Family tensions can run high over Christmas. Here?s how to make things easier
The Christmas period has always tested our ability to spend time with those to whom we may be biologically related, but struggle to relate to philosophically. Divisive world events such as the US election can make matters much worse, and family relationships are increasingly becoming casualties of stark political differences. As a researcher around family estrangement, I know how challenging it can be to keep the goodwill flowing.
Take Alexis, for example, who is originally from a rural town in California. He is planning to attend a large Christmas gathering with more than 20 relatives, the majority of whom voted Republican and are strong Donald Trump supporters. As an openly gay man, he struggles with some of the political talk that ?the other side? brings to the table during family occasions. ?It?s clear in how my relatives talk that they don?t care how my rights to live as a gay man are impacted by their vote,? Alexis told me. In the past, he has tried to establish boundaries to put politics ?off-limits?, but this has not been effective. ?In reality, the conversation happens anyway. Some people like to push it, and they try to get a reaction.?
Research on estranged family relationships is still in its infancy: the lack of longitudinal studies means there is no way to understand the phenomenon?s development over time. However, we know that millions of families across the world experience estrangement, and one in five British families will have an estranged relative. New polling data from the US, published around Thanksgiving, shows that one in two adults are estranged from a close relation. The study revealed that two in five participants attribute this breakdown in relations directly to political differences.
Specialist therapists such as Karen Stockham can play an important role in helping individuals navigate family discord. She says that part of the problem may be the need we have for family members to mirror and validate our values ? to help us feel like we belong.
Jeff, a data scientist living in London who identifies as a liberal, was brought up in a family he describes as highly conservative, where outbursts over politics were common. ?There were debates that felt like fights about immigration policy, and I had to submit that my father was right,? he told me. ?As I got older, I was less accepting of his views, and I purposefully pushed him to consider more liberal points. Often it would escalate as passions ran high in us both.?
But he and his father have been on a journey over the years, whereby each year Christmas seems to get a little more easeful. Other family members have played an important role in changing the dynamic, helping to defuse tense situations with humour and encouraging Jeff and his dad to use more moderate language.
Conflict is a natural part of all human relationships, and there are tools available when it comes to managing antagonistic conversations. Stockham tells me that self-awareness is key, as well as having some tricks up your sleeve. One simple fact of life is that most people like to talk about themselves: asking someone about their own life can be a good strategy to deflect from heated political topics. It?s also important to be aware of the signs of escalation in your own emotions, and step away if necessary.
Alexis is going into this Christmas with an entrance and exit strategy he made with supportive relatives, and he is taking a friend. He will arrive with them and has arranged to leave with them if conversations become unmanageable. I asked Alexis why he was attending the family Christmas at all, if he was so unsure whether he would be treated respectfully. He told me that a recent family bereavement was driving him to face the discomfort ? it felt critical to show support rather than be divided along party lines.
Showing up for family often feels more important than our own anxieties. At this time of year in particular, it can feel like we are expected to be human disco balls and sparkle at every opportunity. Yet not everyone will feel able to attend tense family gatherings this Christmas, and stepping out of harm?s way is just as valid a response. You don?t have to spend time with a group of people where you feel you will be bullied and maligned for your values. In an ideal scenario, if we can manage our disagreements with respect and curiosity, we can deepen our connections with family members, and find a fresh kind of validation ? but that takes work from both sides.
